Assertiveness Training for Parents of Troubled Teens
Assertiveness is the ability to express ones thoughts and feelings without violating the rights of others or expecting anything in return.
There are four basic behavioral styles when it comes to expressing our thoughts and feelings: passive, aggressive, passive/aggressive, and assertive.
A passive person gives into everyone elses whelm. S/he tries to avoid conflict by doing what others want him or her to do. As such, they are easily overwhelmed trying to please everyone.
An aggressive individual is destructive, causing damage and conflict where ever they are. They tend to seek out conflict and will hurt others to keep from being hurt or hurting themselves. The have a volitile temper and are quick to get angry. They are also easily overwhelmed because they are always in conflict and trying to dominate those around them. This is very exhausting for both the dominatee and dominator.
| Horse Tips: On being Top Horse. In a horse herd, this is the alpha male, the head honcho. Top Horse can be very aggressive. That is the way he gets to be Top Horse. However, once he has established his position, he uses his aggression wisely and economically. He can bring a lower ranking horse in the herd to do or not do something with a look. If this doesn't do the job, he ups the ante. He keeps upping the ante until he gets the response he wants. |
A passive/aggressive individual is mercurial. He says one thing but does another. This is the teen that you tell to go clean up his room, and he says, "sure," goes in his room and watches TV, plays video games, or anything but clean up his room. This type of behavioral style is often seen in people who are being forced to do something they don't want to do, but feel they have no power to change it. They hurt themselves and the person with whom they are angry or in conflict.
The assertive parent (or teen) expesses their thought or feeling in the here and now. They may get overwhelmed occassionally but they are not out to hurt others. They try to deal with conflicts as they occur and do not seek them out. How does someone express themselves assertively?
- Express yourself in the present.
- Take ownership of your thoughts and feelings.
- Keep others rights and feelings in mind.
- Do not expect others to necessarily change because of your assertiveness.
- Use "I feel" and "I" statements. (Covered in the Parental Empowerment section.)
Parenting Basics Index:
Top Horse: Who's the Parent?
Walk Your Talk
Consistency
Co-Parenting
Divorced or Separated Co-Parenting
Single Parenting
Assertiveness
Feeling Safe
Because I Say So
Accountability
Communication: basic listening skills
Communication: non-verbals
Being Real and Authentic