Choices and ConsequencesOne of the best ways to avoid power struggles with your teen or adolescent is to use "choices and consequences". It also teaches him or her that their behaviors are a matter of choices. A very important lesson for us all to remember.
Based on Reality Therapy, this is not only an effective way of side-stepping power struggles, but helps the teen to understand that his choices affect his happiness, i.e. good choices make for happier situations and relationships, poor choices make for unhappiness. All choices have consequences. It is really important that you follow through on the consequence. So do NOT say you are going to have such-and-such consequence unless you are willing to follow through and stick with it. The message you send to your teen otherwise leads to disaster and further conflict. The lesson you teach in not following through is that his choices have no real consequences, and he can really do what he wants. Is that what you want? Your jobRemember, your job as a parent, the adult in the relationship, is to set appropriate boundaries and limits that will help you teen grow into a responsible, caring adult. Your job is NOT to be her best friend.I run into this a lot with my parents with troubled teens. The parent is afraid the teen will get mad at him. So what? Your teen will live--you will live. Or, the parent is afraid their teen won't like them. Get real, grow up, this is not a popularity contest. If you have been doing either of these, you are going to have to make some changes too, not just your teen. Why does this strategy work?These are modified for the most part from D. Hughes' book, Facilitating Developmental Attachment, chapter 11 (see link on Attachments page).Teens often do not realize that his behaviors result from choices he makes.How many times have I heard, "He made me do it," or, "It is her fault," from my teens? Lots and lots. Until, that is, they get the message that their behaviors result from choices they make. Such and such did not "make" them behave this or that way. They made the choice to behave that way.This is about taking responsibility for his actions. It is about not playing the Victim (see Victim Triangle, coming soon). It teaches cause and effect.Especially in abusive homes, often times the teen's behavior has no correlation with the consequence that was dealt to him by the abusive adults in his life. Abuse can include emotional abuse, not just sexual or physical abuse.He needs to learn that he does have control over his life and situation. He has to understand that specific behaviors are followed by specific consequences. Predictable responses follow specific behaviors. For example, if he doesn't do his chores, he looses privileges. See the page on privileges (coming soon) for further discussion of what constitutes a privaledge and what constitutes a need. Her best solution to her unhappiness is making better choices.Choice and Consequence drive the point home that if she is unhappy about her life/consequences, then she can make better choices. The solution does not come from manipulating her parents, control, or complaining. It comes from making smarter choices.Confidence in the teen's choices is gained.Both the parent and teen gain confidence in his choices using this strategy. The teen learns that he can make the right choices and when he does, his parents gain confidence in him. This may lead to even more privileges and responsibility. If he does not like his consequences, then all he has to do is make different choices.Remaining angry at you is more difficult.He learns that it is not that his parents are mean or unreasonable. He has control of his situation. The responsibility for making his life miserable falls back on him, not on you.Empathy and ChoiceA really good idea is to also provide your teen with empathy when sitting up a choice/consequence situation. Something like, "I know you don't like these choices, but they are what are available to you right now." And/or, "I know you don't like the consequence from your choice, it is not going to be fun, but it was your choice."... Or something like these.Acknowledge how he may feel about it, maybe how you feel about it too. There are several advantages to serving empathy with choices and consequences. Maintains a positive relationship between discipline, parents and teenJust because you discipline him, does not mean you don't love him. The empathy helps the teen relate his choices to his behaviors. This strategy also helps to reduce the chances of a power struggle over the consequence.Presenting consequences with empathy sets up a positive, supportive, and healthy family dynamic.It helps to preserve the important relationships within families that families need to have. It says, "we love you, we support you."The teen may manipulate, apologize, and try to get his consequence reduced. This is similar to asking forgiveness for one's "sins". Even if the "sin" is forgiven, it still should not get your teen out of the consequence. Do yourself a favor, stick with your consequence. If she finds she can negotiate her consequence, i.e. get the "sentence" reduced, you have just reinforced her being manipulative and controlling. If you decide later that your consequence was not quite appropriate, let your teen demonstrate a positive, compliant response to the original consequence before you mitigate it. Avoids negative emotional parental responses.Have you ever noticed how your teen seems to just love to piss you off? Or, how adept she is at "pushing your buttons"? This is a way to control and manipulate you.Here's is the grab for your teen: First, if there has been a lot of conflict between you and your teen over a prolonged period, negative emotional responses from you are familiar. Familiar is too often clung to in human behavior, even when bad. Look at adults that stay in abusive relationships as an example. Second, there is more energy in negative emotional responses than positive emotional responses. Some teens (and adults) gravitate toward the higher energy. It makes them feel more alive (adrenalin rush, etc.) and more in control. Your first step in these situations is to learn to take a deep breath and psychologically step back a little to see what is really going on. Then respond (as opposed to react) in a calm manner. You have just taken the energy and the control back! Congratulations. You are showing your teen that her feelings are valid.It is very important for all of us to have our feelings validated.Feelings are just feelings. There is no shoulds about feeling, as in, you shouldn't feel this way or that way. Feelings, we have little control over, but our behaviors are another matter. We do have control over our behaviors thanks to the wonderful wiring of the human brain between the pre-frontal cortex and the limbic system (see Nervous System). By using empathy with consequences, you are telling your teen that his feelings are legitimate and OK. It is OK to for them to feel angry, upset, or whatever, but that does not get them out of the consequence. ConsequencesThere are two basic types of consequences, natural and logical, that you want to use. Before discussing these, let us make sure we are clear on what a consequence is...What is a consequence?A consequence is...
Types of consequencesAs mentioned above, there are two types of consequences that should be used, natural or logical. Both are meant to be learning experiences.Natural consequences:Occur without any intervention from another person. Examples, getting your foot stepped on by not paying attention when working around horses; going out in the rain and getting wet; stepping in front of a train and .... You get the picture. These consequences occur "naturally" as a result of the behavior.Logical consequences:This is an intervention that is logically related to the behavior. For example, not doing your chores, a logical consequence would be practice at doing the chores, usually several times or in an expanded form, so that the desired behavior is reinforced.Another example, for not doing as you (the parent) instructed, a logical consequence might be having your teen practice at following instructions. Let us say, he was bouncing a ball in the house and you ask him to stop, and he does not. Then a logical consequence in this case would be for him to loose the "privilege" of the ball. You take it, emphasizing that he did not follow instructions and do as you asked. Now here is an important caveat, you also open a way for him to earn it back. Give him a set of instructions adding something like, if you can demonstrate to me by following these instructions, then you can have the ball back, but you will need to bounce it outside. So he says, "Fine, I don't want the ball anyway." You keep the ball. If and when he wants it back, he still has to do the consequence before he gets it back. In this case, the "practice" does not have to be directly related, but logically related. You might get him to unload the dishwasher in a step-by-step manner you prescribe. It needs to be a consequence with a purpose. Having your teen practice following instructions on something that is meaningless even to you, is not a good idea. NO, no's: punitive consequences or humiliationYou want to avoid consequences that are really punishment or humiliating. These are not consequences that are logically or naturally related to the behavior. They are your anger showing through. Your teen needs to practice the appropriate behavior you are trying to get. Punitive or humiliating consequences do not meet this criteria. Use another adult as a sounding board, one's whose judgment you trust, to see if your consequence meets the criteria and is not punitive or humiliating.Plan aheadIf you anticipate that you are going to have a problem with a behavior or situation, plan ahead about what you will say and what the consequence will be. Forethought is much better than trying to come up with something in the heat of the moment in a conflict.When the teen is uncooperativeLet time be an ally here. If she refuses to do a consequence, then take away privileges. She can earn them back by doing the consequence. Wait her out or set it up so that the responsibility is on her, not you.Let us take a really tricky example here. Your teen refuses to go to school. You take away her privileges: e.g. her room is bare, no telephone, including cell phone, no computer access, whatever. She still refuses. So no problem, call the truant officer, let him deal with it. I had one set of parents that finally did the latter and, presto, they had no more problems from their teen about getting up and getting to school. The truant officer put the proverbial "fear of God" into the teen--well, at least the fear of authority. This is about upping the ante. You have to be willing to up the ante and see this though or the ride will just continue to be rocky and rough. Your choice and your consequence. Top
Index to Empowering ParentsCo-Dependency Personal Boundaries Choices and Consequences Over Indulging >Overindulgence Privileges versus Necessities Entitlement Upping the Ante The Blow-out teen Feelings Communication: I feel statements The Behavioral Contract Where do you go from here? |
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