Codependence...

• If you are married to or in a relationship with an alcoholic or addicted person
• If you feel like you are not "complete" without another person
• If you are continually rescuing your teen, child, spouse, etc.
• If you feel responsible for their behaviors, actions, or feelings
• If you are always taking care of others to the sacrifice of yourself

What is codependency?

• "An emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual's prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules--rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems."--Subby, Co-Dependency: And Intimate Relationships (Norelco Box).
• "Those self-defeating, learned behaviors or character defects that result in a diminished capacity to initiate or to participate in loving relationships." --E. Larsen.
• "A codependent person is one who has let another person's behaviors affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling the person's behavior."--M. Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

The codependent triangle

• Victim--The Victim is characterized by feelings of helplessness, self-pity, and blames others for their problems. In an family with an addict, this is the addict. Victims are characterized by a lot of "poor me" and black-and-white thinking. You will hear them say such things as, " Why do I always get into trouble? Why am I always the blame? Everyone is against me. Nobody likes me. Everybody hates me...." The irony is that everyone in such a dysfunctional system feels the "victim". All of them feel disempowered. Children and teens often take this role.
• Rescuer--Here we come to the dysfunctional role played by many parents. Also referred to as an "enabler", these are the martyrs of the system, they are the sufferers. They discount their own needs, always "sacrificing" for the other two players, especially the Victim. They use guilt to control others, avoid their own true feelings, and are usually overstressed.
• Persecutor--Finally, we come to the persecutor. S/he abuses others in the system, also uses guilt to control, as well as withdrawal and sulking, and often also uses drugs and alcohol.

1. All are codependent.
2. All feel a lack of personal power.
3. In a family system of more than three, you can have multiple of each of the three players.
4. This is a dynamic system. There is a lot of switching around of roles. The Rescuer can quickly take on a Persecutor role or a Victim role, etc. Players may switch roles even in a short conversation or interaction.
5. Personal boundaries are unclear between the players. For example, The Victim tries to get others in the Triangle to be responsible or rescue them. The Rescuer thinks s/he is responsible for the Victim. The Persecutor blames everyone else. There is no clear sense of where each begins and ends, i.e. boundaries.
6. Each of the players tries to use the others to make them feel like a whole, complete person. But, of course, it or they never do. They always feels something is missing, that they are not complete

The enmeshed family

Teens and codependent parenting

Toward co-interdependence

Resources

• Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself and by the same author,
• Beyond Codependency: And Getting Better All the Time