Top Horse--Who's in Control?You or your teen?In my "herd" here at Yardley Farms, my mustang, Apache wants to be in control. He continually challenges me for the Top Horse position. He wants to be numero uno, top dog, the big cheese, etc. He will challenge me every training session about being Top Horse. It is not that he is being difficult, he is just being a natural horse.Whose in control in your "herd"? Are you or is your teen in control? Often Apache will challenge me several times during a single training session. When I first got him, he was pretty blatant about it. As time has gone on, I have become more adept (and assertive) at recognizing when he is challenging me. Now days, he will start out really subtle and then escalate if I don't catch and correct him. If I don't catch his early challenges, he will give me fits the rest of the session. He usually starts while I am brushing him. He will gently lean his shoulder that is nearest me in toward me. It may be less than an inch. If I miss it, the next thing he will do is take a small step toward me. If I don't catch and correct him, before this scenario is over, he will escalate to the point he will "argue" with me about putting on his saddle.
One of the ways teens try to take control is by creating enough chaos that you, the parent, just gives up or cave in. As an example, getting up and getting ready for school. If s/he drags his/her feet, or fails to comply long enough, your frustration as a parent builds and then explodes. You have to get yourself ready for your day, maybe the other children in the family too! Maybe she will miss her ride to school, and you will end up having to take her to school yet once again. Here she is sucking all your time and energy, not doing what she well knows she is supposed to do. What can you do? What can you threaten her with? Make her stay home from school? That is probably what she wants anyway.
When working with families in therapy, I often ask the parents, "Who's the parent here?" They seem to have given their Top Horse roles over to their troubled teen. Parents, as parent you are TOP HORSE, not your teen. You need to be the one in control, making the decisions, etc. Many parents want to be their troubled teens best friend. Get over it. You are NOT his friend, you are the parent. Your job as parent is to love, protect, provide necessities, and guide him or her. That means setting boundaries and limits and sticking to them. You will read more about boundaries later when we talk about healthy relationships and co-dependency. Because I say so...And don't let your troubled teen suck you into justifying or defending your decision as Top Horse. We will cover this more fully on the "Because I Say So" page.Parenting Basics Index:Top Horse: Who's the Parent? Walking Your Talk Consistency Co-Parenting Divorced or Separated Co-Parenting Assertiveness Feeling Safe Because I Say So Accountability Communication: basic listening skills Communication: non-verbals Being Real and Authentic Top Home Parenting Troubled Teens Empowering Parents |
 Custom Search
|
