Feeling Safe and Teen IssuesIt may be hard for us parents to believe, but at the core of many teen issues is feeling safe. When your teen acts out, at the deep core may lie his or her need to feel safe. He or she is trying to feel safe. Feeling safe goes back to the basic flight-or-fight response, one of our most basic survival mechanism. It is common to all vertebrates, including horses and humans. It is programmed in our genes. Flight-or-fight kicks in when we feel in danger. We, as mammals, are geared in such situations to run (flight) or stand and fight. You can read more about this in the psychobiology section's flight-or-fight. When they manipulate and try to control you and what goes on around them, this may be a sign that at some level they don't feel safe. Even though they want to feel safe, which may be operating at a subconscious level, they may do things that alienate you or get her into more trouble and push you away. Why do they do things that exacerbate the situation? Well, for one, s/he's a teenager (child, adolescent) and this is what teens do. As discussed in the teen brain section, under stress, their brain does not function as well as an adult's brain. It is easier for her to make bad choices/decisions.
This not feeling safe may be subconsciously buried back in their early childhood. It may result from not feeling safe in the here and now, bullying, or socially feeling unaccepted. It can also manifest itself in terms of anxiety, worry, stress, panic attacks, and other forms. Trying to figure this out in your teen can be a little tricky. Helping them get in touch with and identify their feelings (emotions) can be very helpful. Dr. Y often does this with his teen and adult clients, because this very same primal issue, not feeling safe, also lies at the basis of many adult issues. Getting in touch with feelings:Of course it helps if you as the parent can or have role modeled getting in touch with and identifying your own feelings. Ask your teen to close their eyes and become aware or go inside their body. Notice how their body feels. Now focus on their feelings. Where do they feel that in their body? (Hint: if they say their head or hands or arms, redirect them to find the place in their body where they most feel it.) Once they can identify where it is in their body, then ask them what it feel like? Give them time to go inside and try to get hold of the feeling. You might ask some questions to help them. Is it hot, cold, neutral? Is it constant or does it pulse up and down in intensity? Does it have a shape? Listen to their answers. Does it have a color? Once they have gotten in touch with the feeling, ask them to identify it. Is it anger, fear, sadness, loneliness, shame, etc.? Spoiled Brat?Of course it might not be about safety. It may be that they are just being a brat, or something else. So don't get too hung up on them not feeling safe. All we are saying is that in our experience it is surprising how many times their behaviors can go back to the safety issue.Parenting Basics Index:Top Horse: Who's the Parent?
Walk Your Talk Consistency Co-Parenting Divorced or Separated Co-Parenting Single Parenting Assertiveness Feeling Safe Because I Say So Accountability Communication: basic listening skills Communication: non-verbals Being Real and Authentic |
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