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Overindulgence

Are you guilty of overindulgence of your adolescent, teen, or child? This webpage helps parents to understand what overindulgence is, its consequences and causes, and how to stop doing it. Much of this is taken from J. Fogarty's, Overindulged Children: A Parent's Guide to Mentoring

Definitions

Parents give to their children in place of mentoring them as a replacement for parenting. This definition requires wealth or false-wealth (e.g. credit cards).
Parents without wealth or false-wealth are too permissive with their teen or child. The give their children too much permission too soon. Consequently, such children are ill prepared to manage life's complexities, which come too soon into their world.

Thus, overindulgence is not just the result of affluence. It is not only the "spoiled rich kid," but also, the spoiled poor and not-so-rich kid.

Serious Overindulgence

can occur as a result of neglect or abuse. When children are neglected, then overindulgence by the parents as compensation. It can be a perfect cover for the abused child.

Research

Research has shown the following:

Permissive Parents

have low expectations for their children. They are nurturing but give their children the freedom to make choices with little guidance or control. Baumrind (1966).
have difficulty distinguishing between what is nurturing and what is overindulgent (Nelms. 1983).
transfer their power to their child by overindulging the child (Swain, 1985).

Symptoms of Overindulged Teens/Children

From McIntosh (1993), Bredehoft (1998), Clark and Dawson (1998), and Kindlon (2001):

Excessive self-centeredness
Immature behavior
Parenting unwilling to enforce age-appropriate boundaries and rules
Excessive lack of consideration for others
Entitlement
Poor anger control, tantrums, and outbursts
manipulative
low self-esteem
reduced cognition
low individuation (Jung)
dependency
external locus of control
lacking in social skills
fail to take responsibility for behavior
spoiled
often feel unlovable or flawed
dysfunctional thinking, especially all-or-nothing
emotional distance (attachment issues)

Characteristics of Overindulging Parents

There are different types of overindulging parents.

"Giving Parent"

Compulsively gives in to whelms of their children, but they tend to only give. Often these parents are trying to repair or compensate for their own childhood parenting issues. They be overcompensating for their own feelings of inadequacy or feelings of guilt.

"Reminder Parents"

Have fears of confrontation and/or rejection. They tend to encourage their child, reminding them to behave. They give too many warnings but without follow-up consequences. They try to be friends with their teen rather than parent.

Cognitive Distortions

These parents tend to use a lot of

all-or-none thinking
if I ignore the problem, it will go away or doesn't exist
Projection (Freudian defense mechanism where we see our issue in others). If someone confronts them with their child's problem, they see it as the other person's problem
Labeling--anyone who presents the problem they label as trouble maker, exaggeration, etc.
Denial--if my child has problems, it means I have problems. So my child doesn't have problems because I don't have problems, etc.
Cognitive rigidity and inflexible thinking. Not willing to look at things from different perspective.

"Blinders Parents"

These parents are filled with dysfunctional, all-or-none thinking. They focus on the good of their children and ignore the flaws or problems. They add to the cognitive distortion of the Reminder Parents narcissistic, severe competition needs, and symbiotic self-esteem issues (trying to live through their children).

"Glorifying Parent"

Similar to "Blinder Parents", they ignore their children's flaws but they exaggerate or glorify their children's positive characteristics. Thus, they reject the real child. They tend to

symbiotic overcompensation--their life is so mundane they try to enhance it by exaggerating their children's gifts and to live through their children
triangulation--one parent glorifies the child while the other parent has a more realistic view. The glorifying parent is seen by the child as the better parent and uses manipulation between the two parents to get his or her way

"Permissive Parent"

Has the unrealistic quality of trust, giving their children too much freedom. They allow their children to get into activities for which they do not have the maturity or mental tools. They want to be buddies or friends with their children and not parents.

"Favoritism Parent"

Prefer one of their children over another and neglect the others. The non-favored children harbor a lot of anger as a result. The child that is most like such a parent is usually the favored child. This could be personality, abilities, physical similarities, or other. Such parents may be replaying their own childhood issues or have emotional neediness.

"Blaming Parent"

Scapegoats innocent others with all-or-none thinking. They over protect their child. As a teacher, my wife contends a lot with this type of parent. For example, if a teacher reprimands the child, the parent blames the teacher for the problem and does not hold the child responsible for his/her behavior, e.g. not doing a project or homework, not studying for a test, inappropriate classroom behavior.

"Overly Responsible Parent"

Again these parents are over protective of their children. However, these parents do not blame other. Rather, they blame themselves. Often these parents were the scapegoats in their own family as children.

"Ultimately Responsible Parent"

Has an explosive personality with delayed guilt reaction. He or she will explode with anger at their child and then feel very guilty about it later and blame themselves. They tend to be very passive but with simmering rage. They have real anger management problems.

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Corrective Parenting

If you are one of the parental types above, here is what you can do about overindulgence:

Increase your time spent mentoring your child. This will help you and your child counter cognitive distortions. We are talking "quality time" here, not just quantity.
Promote truth and reality--get real yourself, be an example of the kind of person you want your child to be. This will help with cognitive distortions and you will be an appropriate role model. Afterall, our children tend to do what we do, not what we preach.
Promote their unique talents and gifts.
Give them unconditional love.
Demonstrate normal emotions. Feelings are OK. Normal emotions are normal. It is what we do with those feeling that may not be OK. Stuffing them is not OK.
Identify wants versus needs. This is an important distinction. Overindulged children have really distorted views of what constitutes a wand and what constitute a need.
Past, Present, and Future--just because you screwed up in the past dosen't mean you have to keep screwing up in the present. Know where you want to go with your parenting in the future. Expect to make mistakes, especially when you are tired or stressed. Let it go. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and forge ahead.
Be realistic about your own strengths and weaknesses. (See the above.) Be realistic about your child's also. Again, get real.
Respect--everyone in the family should feel respected. For the children that translate to they may not always get their way, but they feel respected. Respect their opinions.
Be assertive and teach your child how to be appropriately assertive.

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References

Baumrind, D. 1966. Effects pf authoritative parental control of child behavior. Child Development 37:887-907.

Bredehoft, D.J., et al. 1998. Perceptions attributed by adults to parental overindulgence during childhood.

Clark and Dawson. 1998. On the issue of cultural myths and overindulged children.

Fogarty, J. 2004. Overindulged Children: A Parent's Guide to Mentoring

Kindlon,D. 2001. Too Much of a Good Thing: Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age. Talk Miramax Books, NY.

McIntosh, B.J. 1993. Spoiled child syndrome. Psychological Bull. 68-79.
Nelms, B.C. 1983. Attachment versus spoiling. Pediatric Nursing: 49-51.

Swain, D.W. 1985. The spoiled child syndrome. Proceedings Changing Family Conf. XIV. Iowa City, Iowa: 67-71.

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Index to Empowering Parents

Co-Dependency
Personal Boundaries
Choices and Consequences
Over Indulging
>Overindulgence
Privileges versus Necessities
Entitlement
Upping the Ante
The Blow-out teen
Feelings
Communication: I feel statements
The Behavioral Contract
Where do you go from here?

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