A
horse-sense approach to parenting troubled teens...
We
don't want to beat a dead horse (pun intended), but there are a lot of
similarities between parenting troubled teens and training mustangs
(and horses).
| Horse
tip: "Your raise kids, dogs, and horses all the same." Ray
Farmer (Not sure who he was, but the quote seemed relevant.) |
This is especially true with Apache...
 The
dark chocolate horse here, Apache is a challenge to work with,
especially when it comes to saddle work. With other people and
children, he is very gentle and no problem. But because of our special
relationship (he sees me as a
member of his herd), he is always challenging me for Top Horse
position.
A big part of the challenge for parenting
troubled teens is that they reflect a lot about ourselves (the
parents). In psycho-babble, there is a lot of Freudian projection and
transference that goes on between parent and teen. In essence, they are
mirrors of ourselves...
Mirrors of ourselves
Mirror Neurons in the Brain
We now know that there are a whole set of special neurons (brain cells)
that act as mirror neurons (Miller, G. 2005. Reflecting on
another’s mind. Science,
308, 945-947.). In essence these neurons enable us to
mirror back what we see in others. They are critically important for
learning new skills and behaviors. They are also important for empathy,
i.e. the ability to experience and share others' emotions. Mirror neurons are the
neurological basis for social skills, learning, and interpreting social situations.
What does this mean for our troubled teens?
The bad news:
Our teens (and children) are very often mirrors of
ourselves as parents. Their issues too often reflect our issues. If
anxiety is one of our issues, anxiety is probably going to be one of
their issues. Why is this?
First, we are their first role model. So we have
modeled anxiety in whatever form it manifests in us for them. This is
an environmental component. But, there may also be a large genetic
component.
From the Human Genome Project and other genetic studies, many genes
have been identified. (Hamer & Copeland, 1998) Among them is a
high
anxiety variant. And anxiety in its several manifested forms (excessive
worry, panic attack, phobia, etc.) has high heritability in studies
with twins. This means if
we have it, our children probably have it.
The same goes with depression, bipolar disorder, personality disorders,
and many other traits.
Our teens don't just incorporate the negative from
one parent, but too often incorporate good and bad from both parents.
They are hybrids of us.
At
my therapeutic boarding school we have found that when we meet the
parents, we usually know why the troubled teen behaves the way s/he
does. This is true about 95% of the time. Likewise, I hear many
teachers say the same thing. It is quickly obvious when they meet the
parents where their student gets his problem behaviors.
The good news:
So what is the good news? The human brain is a fantastic learning
machine. We can learn new ways to counter our old learned behaviors or
even compensate for our genetic endowment. And so can our teens.
In
this part of the website, we present some helpful horse-sense based
"basic"
parenting skills for helping with your troubled teen. "Horse-sense"
is another way of saying "common sense" for the most part. This section
is Parenting
Skills 101.
In the Empowering Parents
of Troubled Teens section, we go beyond the basics to more on
the "How To" aspects. This is the Parenting Skills 102
section.
Below
is a brief discussion and links to what is discussed for each topic for
this
parenting troubled teens. At the bottom of the page is an overview
Index for your convenience. You can use this Index to go to the next
topic or to skip around from topic to topic, jump back to this page,
etc.
Top Horse
covers the importance of you
being the parent and remembering who is the parent and in charge. It is
about being in control of your parent-teen relationship.
In Walking Your Talk we talk about the importance of your words and
actions reflecting each other. This is where the mirroring comes in.
You must lead by example if you want your words to be heeded.
Consistency emphasizes the importance of being consistent with your
teen. This means telling him the same thing time after time. This means
not
telling him or her one thing one time and another thing the next time.
It means being consistent with your rules over time, between parents,
and more.
Which brings us to the important topic of Co-Parenting. A teen has a
mother and father. Unless one is not in the picture, then both parents
need to be parents and be on the same page with each other about
rearing practices. This is another way we have to be consistent as
parents.
Next we move on to discuss a special type of co-parenting, that of the
divorced or separated parents. This gets stickier sometimes, but it is
imperative for the health of your teen that you two be on the same page
with each other on parenting issues and decisions.
Being a single parent presents another set of challenges. It is really
important here to have a support group.
Do you know the difference between being assertive, aggressive, and
passive/aggressive with your teen? This is important.
What we have found as the basis for many children's, adolescents', and
adults' problems and negative behaviors ultimately comes down to not
feeling
safe...
This
goes along with the Top Horse concept. When it comes down to making
decisions, you are the parent, and it is your decision. In the end, when
it is all said and done, you don't have to justify or explain decision.
Accountability
A critical issue with teens, and too many adults I'm afraid, is taking
ownership of their behaviors and actions. When you see/hear your teen
starting to take accountability for themselves, you have made a giant
step.
Communication: Basic Listening Skills
Everyone,
yourself and your teen alike, want to feel like they have been heard.
Here are some basics on listening so that everyone will feel like they
have been heard.
Communication: Non-Verbals
More
important than the verbal, the words that are said, are the non-verbal
communications. They tell you what is really being said.
Being Real and Authentic
This page discusses the importance of being real and authentic to your
teen and with yourself.
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