Catching the Small StuffMost of us have heard the sage's saying, "Don't sweat the small stuff,...and it is all small stuff."When it comes to teens and horses, you want to pay attention to the small stuff. If you catch the small stuff, the big stuff may not even arise. On the Top Horse page discussing who's in control, you or your teen, we discuss the importance of catching the small things from your teen.
When Dr. Y works with teen groups, he has found if he has them line up in silence. He "enforces" these instructions if there are problems, e.g. teens continuing to talk or horseplay, by having them stand there until everyone gets silent and behaves appropriately. Sometimes they can stand for quite a few minutes before everyone gets the idea and settles down. If he follows this procedure, it usually helps the group session to go calmer and easier on everyone. How does that translate to you and your teen? What is the small stuff in your lives and home? Is it picking up dirty clothes off the floor, taking out the trash, feeding the cat, etc.? If you don't stick to your guns and make him/her follow through, then you have set the stage for bigger conflicts or confrontations. Just like Apache. How do you handle these situations? I mean, there is only one of you, you have other things you need to be doing (a job, appointments, a life), and teens can be remarkable in being able to out last parents. This is where the choice-and-consequence strategy can be very effective. We will discuss this strategy in detail in the Empower Parents section of the website on the choice-and-consequence page. A major point here is the importance of choosing your battles with your teen. You can wear yourself out trying to counter them on every front. So the lesson is, if it is important s/he does it, don't get started trying to make them do it unless you are going to follow through. Also, you want to make it his/her choice. And, if s/he decided not to do his chore or whatever, you must follow through with the consequence. Finally, just a short note here abou this: try to avoid truning a conflict into a Power Struggle. The trick is to make it their choice so a conflict does not become a power struggle. The message is, avoid power struggles if at all possible. You want to set it up as a choice/consequence rather than a power struggle. See the Power Struggle page for more about how to do this. We leave you with this last word of wisdom:
Parenting Basics Index:Top Horse: Who's the Parent?
Walk Your Talk Consistency Co-Parenting Divorced or Separated Co-Parenting Assertiveness Feeling Safe Because I Say So Small Stuff Accountability Power Struggles Communication: basic listening skills Communication: non-verbals Being Real and Authentic Top Home Parenting Troubled Teens Empowering Parents 
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